Are You Ready for an Emotionally Available Gay Long-Term Relationship, by Gay Matchmaker Jacqueline Burns - Gay Matchmaking Agency - London New York Berlin Toronto - The Echelon Scene

There's been no shortage of ink spilled on the topic of emotional availability, and its extremely relevant when gay matchmaking. Many articles exist to help people figure out if their long term gay partner is available or not, but no matter how many "20 ways" lists there are, the fact of the matter remains that it's not an easy task. Emotional availability is crucial for us as gay matchmakers when gay matchmaking and for any long-term relationship to blossom. When you're looking to find a gay husband, getting a sense of their availability is very important. 

“Playing hard to get" is not a recommended strategy and one we highly contest when gay matchmaking. For men, and gay men especially, feigning a lack of interest in order to get someone to chase you, is supposed to replicate the James Deanian, misunderstood, emotionally complex but too cool for you sort of guy. But ultimately this game-playing only clouds the water and makes it difficult to tell the difference between someone who is interested in a long term exclusive gay relationship and might just be bad at expressing themselves, someone who is not interested, and someone who is interested but is also emotionally unavailable.  

It's also worth taking a look at your past relationships and asking yourself: Am I emotionally available and ready for gay matchmaking? Luckily, as gay matchmakers, we are here to help. 

Some of the signs are this:  

1. There's an escape hatch. There's always an out of any relationship. Maybe you're leery about leaving your stuff over at their place - because what if you break up? What a pain it will be to get it back. 

2.  Emotionally unavailable gay men often keep in contact with other people, not cheating, but keeping their options open in case the relationship they're in falls through. 

3. You are only interested in people you can't have. When they express interest in return, you will find a reason to get out and get away. Or once you have them, you are no longer interested.  

4. An unwillingness to open up and share personal things, or an unwillingness to connect with your gay long-term partner. 

5. An unwillingness to change your routines and life to fit around the other person. 

6. Being desired is the important part because it bolsters your self-esteem. You like having the other person around for what they provide you with but know you are not reciprocating - or are not reciprocating honestly. 

Oftentimes we find as gay matchmakers that people will cite an ability to care as a marker. This can be misleading. For someone who is eager to enter a long-term gay relationship and find a gay husband there can be a great desire to open up, but an inability. Many an emotionally unavailable person has tried, and has indeed put on the performance of caring. They listen to your problems, they say the right words and they do the right things. But there is a difference between the ability to show that you care, versus the ability to actually care. No one can see into another's heart and it makes spotting the emotionally unavailable more difficult still. But knowing the red flags is a good start, and we know them as gay matchmakers at The Echelon Scene.

The ability to share is another marker. But someone can share himself with you and still be unavailable. One of the ways to tell if this is the case is how much that person is willing to share those personal details and intimacies with others. If he will tell everyone he knows about that One Thing That Hurt Him, then it's not really a big deal that he also shared it with you. (Or vise versa) 

If you think the person you're interested in might be emotionally unavailable, it might be best to cut your losses and look for someone who can give you what you need - connection. At The Echelon Scene we focus on the long-term when gay matchmaking.

If you think you might be the one who is unavailable then don't worry, it's a state of being that - like all other states of emotional vulnerability - can be worked on with gay matchmakers prior to being introduced. Opening up to others is difficult, but it can be accomplished. To discuss this topic in more detail please reach out to Jacqueline Burns.