Gay Community Stress Theory - Gay Matchmaking Agency - London New York Berlin Toronto - The Echelon Scene

The rhetoric around gay men and how they feel about themselves is changing. In the past there has been a lot of focus on stigma and stereotyping from the general public. But now, studies (John Pachankis, Yale) are emerging which are showing what goes on within the gay community can often perpetuate competitiveness, self-consciousness and bad feelings. At The Echelon Scene we like to take a long hard look in the mirror every so often and see what we do, or don’t do, within the gay community. Do we unknowingly market our brand to make those who are not masculine, fit and successful feel excluded? Does our message unwittingly say manly men are better than camp men? Our business has been about matching those who are passionate about what they do for work, with their equal. But how does that make those feel who are not passionate about what they do? 

Depression, anxiety and substance abuse is more common amongst the LGBTQ community. There is also a lot of negative conversation about the gay scene. Many will say it’s seedy and dangerous. Is this helpful for gay men? Or would it be better to switch up the narrative and say actually, it can be supportive, inclusive, dynamic and vibrant? As Mother Theresa said, she would never go to an anti-war riot, she would go to a pro peace march. Negative rhetoric perpetuates negative cognition. It is important for everyone to feel safe, understood and listened to yes; but also embraced and positively encouraged.

We’re here at The Echelon Scene to say everyone should have a place in the world and feel accepted. When I studied gay relationships during my BPS accredited Masters degree in Psych, I wrote how men are generally more visual and competitive, (whether gay or straight) than women. However, this was ten years ago, have times changed? Or are we more aware now? We always reiterate this belief, but perhaps we just haven’t allowed women to be those things in the past and there is, in fact, no difference at all! I know many successful women who have less successful, beautiful looking and softer natured boyfriends. I also know women who like younger men; they find them more playful and fun; qualities in the past women didn’t look for as much, as they had to prioritise men who could look after them. Are gay men harder on each other because we have told them all men are competitive and visual? ‘You better keep up with the Joneses!’ In the same way we told women the same thing. Are we all making gay men look towards perfection constantly, because they are told that’s key?

There was a five-year study done by Pachankis, based on five psychological studies, including four perfectly designed experiments, with nine cohorts of gay and bisexual men. The stress the gay and bisexual men reported related to their community’s preoccupation with sex, status and competition within ranks was associated with compromised mental health, especially for gay men lower on the status totem pole (Pachankis, The Guardian). Effectively gay men felt stressed when rejected by men more masculine, attractive men of higher income. However, if the man who was rejecting them was straight, they didn’t feel intense rejection.

Persistent rejection of gay men has also been proven to make gay men take sexual risks, which have led to HIV. The focus on physique, income, race leads those to 'compare and despair'. Kicking off eating disorders, body dysmorphia and the use of anabolic steroids.

Pachankis did a study which shows there is in fact, less reported stress from someone calling a gay man a fag than from feeling rejected within the community/ on apps for being in the minority. So, from Pachankis’ revolutionary research we are learning perhaps we need to take the heat off of focusing on a gay man’s trauma growing up and living in a homophobic society and look equally into “gay community stress theory.” His paper Personality and Social Psychology sheds some light onto how we treat one another. But let’s not make this about another issue in the gay community. Let’s instead use this information to be nicer, more accepting and perhaps, more honest with ourselves. Maybe as a gay man you don’t want to go to the gym, or go on five holidays a year, or work in finance. Being yourself and being honest with who you are is the best way to find the right person for you. So, from a matchmaking standpoint find out who you are first (we can help you with that) and then we can introduce you to the perfect man for you. He might not be ‘perfect’, but what does that mean nowadays anyway, hey? :)